Another one of my favorites :)

just listening to it… brings back memories

(8)
Raajje Raajje Mee Maa Baajjeverikan
Maa fari nala kan vaa thaneh
Ahurenge hiy ufalun dhanee udhuhifaa
(8)

The sky is blue, the sun is shining. Just like the perfect day i had imagined all my life. the perfect day for a perfect wedding. yet. somehow. i find that i am not as happy as i should be. somehow. i find myself wishing this had not happened.

My wife walks in, followed by her family and our friends. yet someone is missing. someone i had always imagined at my side on this day. i guess, its understandable. knowing his loss. after all… he had lost someone he had loved. as had i

the sweet sound of laughter reaches my ears and i turn around to rest my gaze on my beautiful wife. Dark haired, tall, sexy. all that a man could ever wish for in a wife. she knew how to cook, clean and wash. but importantly… she loved me, she cared for me. yet. again. i find that i am not as happy as i should be.

what if… what if it had been her instead of my current wife? what if i had had the guts to tell her before she told me? what if i had not acted like i didnt care?

what if it had been her short gold locks that framed the face under that bridal veil? yes. she had been less feminine. less the role model of a girl, a woman and a wife. but the care i got, the love i felt, no one could ever give me in a thousand years. worst of all… she had died for me.

i slowly dug into the plate of food, Sarah had brought me. i didnt really want to eat. i wasnt used to it… i hadnt eaten properly for god knows how long. i couldnt. she had been my cook. my personal liaison. for more than 6 years. i had not eaten anything other than her cooking. i hadnt wanted to. her cooking had been much better than any 5 star restaurant. better than any other chef in the world. and i missed it.

the war was over… we had won. but I… I had lost. not only had i lost everything i had stood up for… but i had lost the chance to make up to her… i had lost the chance, to tell her that i loved her… to tell her that i wanted her… i had lost almost everything…

‘hey. are you okay?’ comes a voice that i have heard my entire life. i turn my head to see my sister sit next to me. and i almost break into tears. she had been her best friend. she had lost her too. yet.. she had come to my wedding… the wedding i had planned for an year…. the wedding now i felt i was forced into… as she felt it would be my happiest day… but god knows how wrong she is…

yet being my sister, she instantly knows what is wrong. ‘oh my god. you love her.’ she says. and i can barely nod. the tears threatening to come down my face. ‘why then?’ i look at her questioningly. ‘why did you marry Sarah?’ Could i tell her? should i tell her? Could i tell her of the sacrifice i made? ‘come.’ she says ‘i have something to show you.’ i follow willingly. knowing no one will wonder where we are going. after all. Tanya is my sister. she leads me to one of the farthest rooms in the whole of our mansion. and opens the door.

on the bed lies a baby, barely 5 months old. Spikey blonde hair. like my sisters. like mine… like hers… i crouch down near him. ‘you didnt tell me you had a baby.’ i say. amazed at the child. feeling him pull me closer. feeling him make me gravitate towards him. ‘i didnt.’ she responds. ‘hes yours.’ my blood runs cold. what? how? how could have that happened? ‘mine?’ i managed to stutter. ‘yes.’ she replies forcefully. ‘you remember that night.’ the memory flashes through my head and i realise. it had not been Sarah in my bed that night. no wonder she had not remembered. i had thought it odd. had thought she had felt different. but i had been half drunk. ‘why?’ i gasp. ‘why didnt she tell me?’ ‘that she was pregnant?’ i nodded. ‘she tried. but what difference does it make? shes dead. and no one else knows who the father is.’ 

my mind literally shuts down. I have a son. yet not with my wife. i want him. but i know taking him would be a bad move. what would i tell her? what would i tell her parents? what would i tell my parents? what… would i tell my bestfriend? the guy i had made her date. the tears finally cascade from my eyes. i feel the sharp pain of my sisters slap on my face. ‘no need for tears now.’ true. there was no need for tears. it was too late… too late to get her… too late to have him… i run out of the house. get on my motorbike and ride off into the night. i have no idea where i am going. i dont care. i just want to get away from it all. i just wish…. i could turn back time…. make the right decision… but i know it will never happen. i know… that i will have to live with this guilt… this pain… the rest of my life.

I barely notice the truck as i crash into it, spinning off wildly. i am sure i am going to die this time. it hurts so much. atleast… it was better than life… atleast i would have a chance with her again… the blackness of unconsciousness claims me…. im sure im dead.

the next thing i know… there is a light…. i open my eyes… and focuses on the sleeping form of Sarah next to me… i realise im still alive… i realise…that the pain has just begun.

A little something i wrote way back in 09

“no… I will not give in. I will not submit. I will not show weakness. I will not cry. 

But i cant help it. This feeling. Of entrapment. Of enslavement. I see a window. Its barred. Like those of a jail cell. I want to break out. But i cant. The bars are too strong. Besides. I would never get to them.

Someone brings me the food. Its placed on a stone table. An empty plate. The rice in a bowl. The curry in another. I assume that this is to make it feel homely. How can it work? There are bars every where. How can this be pleasant? How can this be my home?

A visitor comes. I know she is a friend. Yet she never comes inside the bars. Only a few do. 1 girl. And all boys. The girl is the only one to ever make me feel loved. There was one other. But we never met face to face. 

I do not understand. How can they come? Talk. And still not want to help me. Can they not see the bars? Can they not see the chain on my leg? Do they not know?

Its too much. Too much to take. Im amazed i have survived. But i know how. And i know why. Its only because of some people that i am the man i am today. That i retain a semblance of humanity. Sanity. Yet. They are away. And its taking its toll on me.

I lay on the bed given. Cold, barren, lonely. What i would give for a warm body pressed to my side. But i will not get it. Not soon enough. Not soon enough to keep me this way. And it is in this moment. That i miss them all. Especially the ones that make my nights less painful. I wish you all would come back soon”